Convicted

I have had a hate/hate relationship with my hair the last year or so.  Not sure if its because of health issues, horror-mones or aging, but my once wavy, silky fine hair has turned into a mop of fuzz.  I have tried shampoos, deep conditioners, an adventure with Apple Cider Vinegar (that is way too fresh to share right now, but involved vomit and a sick day in the bed) and vitamins.  I have brushed, picked, towel dried, flat ironed AND curling ironed (which is more ironing of anything than I've ever done in my entire life!).  Nothing has helped this mess.  Finally I decided to stop everything and put it up in a bun daily and just leave it alone.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I obsessed about it for months though and gripe about it often.

So I'm sitting at work one morning, filling in for someone at a different desk than usual, and I overhear a conversation between a patient and one of my fellow front deskers who has battled and beat cancer this year.  She is sporting her bandanna on her fabulous head that is just growing a little peach fuzz back after chemo.  The patient, also a cancer survivor, was saying how she hears people complaining about their hair, and it just blows her mind after all she had been through.  What a smack in the face!  Guilty!

I had one of those moments to myself, sitting there listening to their amazing testimonies.  I wanted to say something to the patient so badly when she checked out, but couldn't find a moment to do so.  I was so disappointed to not be able to tell her what a difference her story made to me. 

In comes God, stage left!  She left her receipt on my desk.  My opportunity!  I took full advantage of my second chance and wrote her a thank you note to send along with her receipt.  I needed her to know how sharing her story opened my eyes.  Its important to tell people these things right when it happens.  If I don't, chances are I will chicken out.

Lord Jesus, thank you for the realty check.  How dare I not be thankful for having a head of hair.  For not having to suffer through what these courageous and amazing ladies have conquered.  Please Lord, help me to remember this moment next time I'm irritated at something so trivial like fuzzy hair or skin that still breaks out at 34 years old.  Or if I don't have the "right" statement necklace for an outfit.  Help me not be that shallow.  Help me to think of these ladies and others like them and their battle for life.  Lord thank you so much for the reminder.  Thank you for my life and the beautiful day today that I get to enjoy and be a part of.

Love always,
Wanting to be a better person

Croupy Kid

Poor Ty has been fighting the Croup this week.  Croup sounds like some kind of resurrected illness from the 1800's.  Its really just a cold that inflames your airway.  You make a barky cough at night, have a fever and feel drained.  Yep, that was Ty this week.  My poor little guy, usually so animated, just hung out on the couch and watched movies almost all week.

When the Tylenol would kick in and bring down the fever, he would have moments of Ty-ness, but then the meds wore off and he was back on the couch. 

 

 

His Daniel-son Thai Chi before sprinting to the chair.

My old-man dog was very happy to have a couch partner for the week.

 

I got to stay home with my little one on the worst day.  When he needed mama the most.  So thankful I could put little socks on, then pull them off.  Thankful I could set up the humidifier and serve unlimited graham crackers and chocolate milk.  Thankful I could put in the Ice Age DVD for the 3rd time in one day.  Thankful to have a little sweaty head leaning on my shoulder and thankful to dole out hugs and kisses on a little forehead to check for fever.

 

While sitting on the couch watching his movie, Ty would reach out and take my hand and just hold it.  Be still my heart.  I wouldn't dare move.

 

Hoping my Ty will feel better very soon!

The Tough Days

If its one thing I'm learning about being a mom is that the tough days do not define what kind of mom I am.  Boy, that is comforting!  Most of the time I choose to only document the good days on my blog.  The memories I want to keep and treasure up in my heart.  But there is something to say about the tough days.  Maybe they make the exceptional days even sweeter?  Or maybe there is just a lesson in there about us having a sin nature and needing grace.  Either way, the tough days are a reality.  And I'm all about being real.

Saturday started off tough.  At 4:30am I was woken up by a little face at the side of my bed asking if he could go downstairs and watch TV.  Um, no you may not.  You may march yourself right back to your room and go back to sleep.

4:46am.  The little face is back.  How about now?  The clock says "6" after all.  No sir, the "6" has to be at the front, not the back end of that neon green number.

5am.  All of the walking around upstairs has woken up the downstairs dog.  Husband gets up and goes downstairs to let him out of his crate.  He bolts upstairs and jumps on the bed with the grace of an elephant.  This infuriates the old, deaf dog who then stirs and is out of the covers and hides under the bed angry.  I make room for the downstairs dog in the bed.

5:15am.  The other not-so-little face is at the side of the bed asking to go downstairs and watch TV.  Seriously?  I march him back to bed and inform both my non-sleeping children that they will stay in the bed, lie down and not move or make a noise until 7am.  Lets just say I am not very pleasant when having to discipline at 5:15am.  (shout out to my Mom here who always seemed to be sweet in the middle of the night when I woke her because I was scared of a storm.  I never remember her telling me to suck it up and go back to bed.  I definitely missed out on that gene!)

5:20am.  I hear muffled talking, stuffed animals being thrown around and giggling.  Not very cute and fun at 5:20am on a Saturday morning.  Mama not happy.  Elephant dog stirs, jumps off the bed and flaps his ears which sounds like the crack of a gun at that dark time in the morning.  Husband rolls over.  Knowing full well that if husband gets up this early, we will have a whole new level of grouchy on our hands, I give up, throw off the covers, go in the boys room and inform them that since everyone is so excited to be up at this hour, then we will go downstairs and clean the house.  No TV this morning.

The three of us and two extremely noisy dogs flapping ears and snorting make the decent to the living room where I hand out wipes, dust clothes, vinegar spray and paper towels and we get to work.  The house is clean by 7am but I still have a horrible attitude.  The boys are nasty grumpy and I can't shake the feeling that the whole day is going to be a mess.

It went on from there.  The kids were bratty and ungrateful, as was their Mama.  I tried and tried to start the day over in my mind and salvage would I could of the beautiful 72 degree perfect sunny day, but with the lack of sleep, it just wasn't to be.  We tried walking the dogs, and ended that when whiny 4 year old sat on the ground and refused to walk anymore.  Oh I needed some GRACE!  As did my kids.  I needed it from God and the kids needed it from me!

Its so easy to look at days like this and put my magnifying glass over it and start to beat myself up about it.  What am I doing wrong in my parenting that my kids behave this way?  Am I saying yes too much?  Am I not spending enough time with them?  Am I spending TOO MUCH time with them?  I get obsessed with this tough day and over analyze it to death.

When I get a few days from it, I can sit down with God and talk it out.  I can see my "quality time" tank is empty.  I haven't had a strictly fun day with the kids - away from laundry, housework and homework - in a while and I haven't had a fun day with my husband either.  And I haven't just called a tough day what it is.  Just One Tough Day.  The big picture is that my kids are not bratty and ungrateful.  They just were that day.  And maybe they were feeding off me a little since I was feeling bratty and ungrateful that we couldn't do what I wanted to do that day. 

So this morning I prayed for God's grace and he gave me this verse:

 

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.  For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  2 Peter 1:5-8

 

These are not qualities I receive magically in a moment.  These are qualities that build on each other.  One decision at a time.  One choice.  One moment.  I cannot control my kid's attitudes.  But I sure can pray for a new one for myself.  My kids personalities, likes and dislikes, even their decision to wake up at dark thirty, does not make me a bad mom.  My choice is to show them faith, self-control, perseverance, godliness and love.  That's the way I can be most effective and productive as a mom.  Each time I choose to respond with grace, because I have asked for His grace, I am showing them Jesus.

 

They don't need to go to the beach, or apple picking or have a mama-planned-out-perfectly-fun day to be ok.  They just need Jesus.  Just like their Mama  Especially on the tough days.

Heart at Rest

I am not a person who is usually at rest.  If my mouth isn't jabbering, my body is moving.  If my body isn't moving, my mind is darting here and there.  I often lie awake at night with a hundred different things swirling around my head.  The good thing is I get a lot of ideas and thoughts.  The bad thing is, this requires an awful lot of discernment to figure out where all these ideas and thoughts are coming from.  My thought life is crazy busy.  The enemy also likes to attack me here. 

 

In my Bible Study this week I read about having a heart at rest.  This sounds so good and peaceful to me!

 

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.  This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.  Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him.

1 John 3:18-22

 

So how can I get this heart at rest and keep it there?  To feel God's peace?  Only with truth and obedience.  I must identify truth in my thought life and then act in obedience. 

 

I have been through times in my life where God whispers to me often and I just act.  It may be as simple as writing a person a note of encouragement, or something as strange as turning the car around to sit in a parking lot and pray for someone.  The stories I could tell of how God has reached down and interacted with me would sound crazy to some.  But these times are so important to me and has built my faith.  These times get me through some dry spells where I don't hear from him much.  When I stop to figure out why I'm feeling silence, I start to sort through my hundreds of thoughts and pick out all the noise that is keeping me from hearing God.  The enemy throws so many arrows!

 

There was a time recently God asked me to walk the halls and classrooms of my church and pray with some church leaders to prepare for Vacation Bible School.  I certainly felt led to do this.  But when I got to church to set up my room, I allowed all the noise in my mind to get in the way and forgot all about his request.  I chose not to obey.  Now, God showed me a lesson here.  No, VBS did not fail because I didn't obey.  Quite the contrary, it was the best one I've been a part of yet!  He showed me that he does not NEED me to do his work.  He will work regardless of my obedience.  But what did I miss out on here?  What amazing blessings did I forfeit?  What encouragement did I not get to share?

 

I have moments where my heart is at rest.  When I say yes to his urging.  Where I don't start thinking about who will think this is weird, or will someone think I'm trying to step on toes, or glorify myself.  When I just say yes.  God sometimes urges me to go to the church after work and pray for a specific ministry.  So I send out my texts, emails and facebook status and just go.  And whether I have one person show up or ten, it doesn't matter.  I'm obeying and he blesses the mess out of that time, and uses it to encourage me and others!  I normally get a little confirmation from him afterwards that will blow me away showing me how real and alive my Jesus is. 

 

You see, God doesn't NEED me to do these things.  He WANTS me to do these things so he can show me life abundant.  So he can lavish me with blessings and his presence.  The more I practice saying yes to these little things, the more I experience his presence and the more I can share how real he is in my life.

 

Our hearts long for joy and happiness.  Sometimes I choose selfishness and get some kind of immediate satisfaction.  But releasing control and giving sacrificially is what truly leads to a more fulfilling and adventurous life than we could every dream of.

 

So when the enemy starts to interrupt my white space in my head, telling me I'm just trying to make others believe I'm so great, or a particular request couldn't possibly be coming from God, or I'm going to step on toes by answering an urging God has put in my heart, I have to recognize the source of these thoughts!  He wants to render me completely ineffective!

 

Thank you, Jesus that your power is made perfect in my weakness!  2 Corinthians 12:9

 

Thank you, Jesus that when I mess up, I can repent and you rush in to fill the gaps!  James 4:6-8,10

 

God does not expect perfection.  He only expects me to recognize my weakness, be humble enough to ask for his help and to be committed enough to move through and move on.

 

Lord, I desire to live in expectation and excitement to hear from you today!  I want to better understand your character.  Because of your presence, I feel accepted and significant and loved by you.  I don't want to choose the things of this world full of empty promises, things that wear out, break and don't last.  Lord, help me instead to invest my time with you.  No time with you is ever wasted!  I don't want to simply "survive" each day.  Every day is a gift from you and we should rejoice!  Psalm 118:24  Help me to listen and say yes to my daily adventures with you.  I'm so at peace that I don't have to worry about the outcome.  You are in control.  I only have to act on your urgings.  Help me not to overanalyze or worry what the world thinks.  Help me to just say YES!

First Week of School & A Friday Night Fort

We survived the first week of school!  The boys did amazing.  They seem to like their teachers and we didn't have any major meltdowns for homework or getting ready in the morning.

 

 

So excited it was trash day on the first day of school.  Delightful for pictures.

 

Later in the week.  Ty doesn't ride the bus with B, but he wanted to wait down there with him with their backpacks.

 

Ty would not smile for me so B thought he'd help.

 

Mommy got through the week too.

 

 

By Friday, I was ready for the weekend.  Even Ty had a little too much "new."  He told me in the car on the way to Grandmas after having a wonderful fun week at preschool,

 

"Mama, I don't want to go to preschool anymore.  I didn't know the teachers were going to be like THAT." 

 

I didn't think too much of it since he also refused to wear his new shoes that day or drink out of his new water bottle.  I think he had enough newness and just needed to take a step back for a moment.  I felt the same way.  So Friday morning I started to cook up a fun evening for us complete with backyard fire and marshmallows.  When I picked everyone up and got home, however, the moodiness was at an all time high, so I nixed the fire plans and decided to make a fort.

 

Have you ever spent 45 minutes making a fort out of every sheet you own and your bag of clothes pins, burning the chicken nuggets because of your devotion to the cause, only to find out no one wants to go in it but you?

 

 

This fort rocked.  It had Christmas lights, pillows, favorite stuffed animals... well, at least the puppies liked it.

 

 

Finally, after I found something else edible in the kitchen and restocked the fort with food and then put in a movie, the grumpy little men found their way back downstairs.  They ended up liking the fort enough to sleep in it.  I was not going to volunteer to squeeze in between them, so my brave hubby sacrificed his Friday night sleep.  The boys slept great.  So did I in my large queen bed with the two dogs.  I think J was the only one who may have gotten gypped.

 

 

Can't function without a picture of little feet.

 

It was a good weekend.  Felt like a holiday.  We saw a lot of friends, enjoyed biking with Grandma, and stayed up way too late.  I'm thinking we may pay for it this week, but we'll see.  B was wired all day today and I suspect he was battling fatigue.  Boys.  When we got home from dinner out, they were so wound up I finally forced them to run laps around the outside of the house and I timed them.  B's best time was 14.7 seconds.  Yep, its a small house.  Did the trick though.  B was able to come in and concentrate on getting homework done, pack his lunch and pick up toys. 

 

I'm trying to learn how these little boys work!  Sometimes it reminds me of that book,

Where The Wild Things Are.  Let the wild rumpus start!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lowering my net

Alright, Lord.  We are back here again.  I am prying my right fist open with my left hand.  I am letting go of my rules, my research, my restrictions, my "couldn't possiblies."  I am using the knowledge you have provided and the conviction you helped me find while rummaging through all of my books trying to find something totally different from what I actually found.  I adore your whispers to my heart.  But I must say, the blinking neon sign sure doesn't leave room for me to argue my way out of this. 

 

Where has my focus been?  How many books on this topic do I own rather than books on how to develop my relationship with you?  How much time have I devoted to finding a "cure" for my issue?  A way to extract this thorn I've been limping around with for so long?  And how much progress have I actually made on my own terms?  Lord, forgive me for not seeking you first!  But we have been here before, haven't we?

 

In February I quit a very well paying job that provided much of our disposable income and took a position that did not need a college degree.  Didn't need all the experience I had in corporate America.  God impressed on my heart to circle the wagons and refocus on my family and home.  Did I still need to work to help provide for my family?  You betcha.  But chasing after my own selfish ambitions was not something he wanted for me.  He showed me very clearly as my health declined, my sanity flew the coop and my family suffered. 

 

The World yelled out, "This makes no sense!  How can you be what your family needs by cutting your income in half?  You are making a huge mistake!  You went to college for nothing!  Your parents worked 4 jobs and paid for your degree and you are throwing it all away!"

 

 

 

Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything.  But, because you say so, I will let down the nets." 

 

When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break.  So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them.

 

So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.  Luke 5:5-7 & 11

 

 

What would have happened if Peter had not chosen to obey?  What if he had listened to what the World said made sense?  That they couldn't possibly catch any fish, after they had worked all night and not caught any.  These were seasoned fishermen, they knew how to do their job well.

 

But instead, Peter chose to obey.  Not because it made sense.  He obeyed just because Jesus said so.  And he went on to become the Rock of the new church.  How amazing!

 

 

I lowered my net in February and we have been so blessed because of it! 

 

So here we are again.  You are asking me to again, lower my net.  To give up the way I have been trying to solve an issue and to trust you've got it.  To truly seek you first.  To work on really getting to know you, my heavenly Father, my Blessed Redeemer, my Lord forever.  To let go of my control and to refocus my energy and my passion to learning more about YOU.

 

Here goes everything...

 

 

But seek first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.  Matthew 6:33

Responsibility Tracker

We have been trying to institute some responsibility in regards to the boys helping around the house.  With the country going the way its going (completely backwards and upside-down, in case you haven't watched the news) there are two things I want my boys to "get" and "get" early!  One is personal responsibility.  You have things you need to contribute to be a part of this household.  You are responsible to do your tasks.  You.  The second concept I'm trying to ingrain into their brains is working for money.  That's something this country has completely forgotten.  If you work, you get paid.  If you choose not to work, you do not get money.  Work = money.  No one will get an allowance in this house.  You don't get money for simply existing here.  No sir.

 

I saw this clothespin chore chart on this blog (one of my most favorite blogs to read).  Ashley Ann is a very real Mom raising 5 kids.  Her blog is a breath of fresh air for me.  Even though I love me some fashion tips and beautiful party pictures, I definitely struggle with balance sometimes and Ashley's photography of her family, and finding the little things as things worth capturing via camera, is so good for my soul.  I have captured many of my favorite photos of the kids by following her lead and not necessarily waiting until everyone is looking at the camera and smiling (cause that almost never happens!).  Thanks, Ashley for the idea of the clothespin chart!

 

I needed to make mine out of materials I already had.  Sherpa-lined hoodies took over my budget this month.  So I took an old blue  5X7 photo mat, some white cardstock, printed letters off of Google and added my clothespins.  I painted them, green for B, yellow for Ty and the unpainted ones are commission tasks.  They can each choose to make commission by doing one of the tasks on the unpainted clothespins.  They can choose to do none of the commission tasks and make... listen up US Government, NOTHING. 

 

 

I hung my little project on the fridge with the last piece of my favorite ribbon. Everything is put together with masking tape on the back.  The boys move the clothespins to the top of the chart when the task is completed.

 

 

We'll see how it goes.  The toughest part of these kinds of plans is me enforcing them consistently.  I'm really going to try.  Hopefully I won't try to overdue.  The list of tasks was edited at least twice.  Ha!  KISS - Keep It Simple Silly.

 

B is also going to be packing his own lunches this year.  This Mama is not stressing about it this year. - she says easily before school has hardly started - I put this sign on the fridge to help him choose a balanced meal.  I'm hoping this will help him learn what types of foods qualify for balance and help his body get strong and stay fast.

 

 

Wish me luck!  Hoping to make it through at least one week of follow through!

Launch Day

 

We are down to the last day before school starts, people!  I am trying to soak in as much fun as possible with my little almost preschooler and almost 2nd grader.  B will be a senior at his school this year since it only goes through second grade.  Time is just flying by and I want to hit a pause button somewhere!

 

 

I know a lot of mamas have a tough time with the infant/baby stage.  They wish for the easier days when the kids are a little more independent and not waking up all night.  I am not that mama.  I loved the baby stage!  And yes, I even loved getting up with them in the middle of the night and snuggling in the rocking chair all alone in the quiet.  If money were no object and this body would cooperate, I'd have another one... or two (sorry J!). 

 

 

Maybe its because I'm away from them so much during the day.  Those times at night was just a little more time I got to hang out with them and gaze at their little faces.  I didn't mind one bit.  So this growing up thing is tough for me!  I know I will enjoy watching them become the little men God wants them to be, but its just all going to quickly for this mama! 

 

 

But my Mama gave me some great advice a little while ago.  Even if I had one... or two more, the baby stage would eventually have to come to an end.  Somewhere along the line, I need to let go and close that door and enjoy watching my little ones grow up.  So I'm trying my best, with God's help!

 

 

We had a ton of fun this weekend in the pool.  One last hurray before pulling the plug and looking forward to colorful Virginia leaves, boots and scarves, Honey Crisp Apples and Pumpkin bread.  I love fall!  Its my favorite!  The changing of the seasons isn't much different than the changing stages of my boys.  I love my pool.  Love my colorful umbrella up on my picnic table.  Love beach towels hanging from my deck posts to dry.  Love goggle marks on B's eyes after wearing them all day.  Love picking veggies out of my garden.

 

 

 

 

But fall.  Wow!  I love how God shows off His glory in those Virginia trees!  I love fires in the backyard fire pit and roasting marshmallows in the crisp evenings.  Love my little boys in jackets playing football.  Love the rows and rows of mums I see not even peaking out blooms yet at the nurseries.  Love turning on the heat in my car, just on my feet, while still having the window down to feel the breeze.

 

 

 

 

I can have great memories of summer, all the while enjoying my fall.  The changing of the seasons will happen whether or not I feel I'm ready.  Like the weather, I need to accept this with my boys and thank God for showing His glory and just enjoy the next season.  (even if I have to pray through it to get my heart in order!)  God's glory is in each season.  I just have to choose to see it!