Hug from Heaven

I have to share with you an aha, hug from heaven kind of moment today.

So I was researching online some different treatment options for the blues/anxiety and coming across all kinds of opinions for supplements, activities, etc and then it hit me.

These are all opinions and recommendations from humans. And no human created every little particle of me.  My Creator did! So for some reason, right at that moment I remembered this book I used to have called "God's Promises for Every Day."  Its basically just a book of scripture put together in categories like "What to do when you feel ...", no human opinions or commentary.  I started wondering where I had put it and I happened to glance over at my work shelf and there is was!  I vaguely remember bringing it here some time ago?  I just felt God impressing on my heart to look at HIS word and not human words for any and all help.  I love when I just feel a big hug from above.  This is the one he highlighted for me today:

"Be humble under God's powerful hand so he will lift you up when the right time comes. Give all your worries to him, because he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

I looked up "humble" and it said "efface - to make inconspicuous.  " I really have felt God saying a big, resounding NO in participating in any ministries or activities that put me in a spotlight for now.  Also part of the definition was "modest - marked by simplicity" which my word for my life at the moment is SIMPLIFY.  Lastly the definition said "humbled - to curtail or destroy pride."  Ouch, but definitely yes, that is something we are working on, examining motivation for jumping into these said ministries and activities.

I'll be honest, the overwhelming guilt from leaving those blank spaces in the preschool schedule has made me less than excited about coming to church as well as making eye contact with Dana or even Pastor B.  Yikes.  But after I found that book of scripture today and meditated on the verse God pointed out to me during my lunch hour workout, I feel God telling me that there is no guilt in doing His will.  There is freedom from guilt if I'm doing what he is asking.  And if he is asking for me to "Be humble under God's powerful hand" right now, than there is no shame in that. 

So now its my choice whether to keep focusing and using guilt as an excuse to drudge my way through this "be still" time, or to humble myself with joy under his direction, guidance and protection while he finishes whatever he is doing in the background which will no doubt be "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Eph 3:20

Anyway, just wanted to share. Love the aha-God-does-care-and-is-working moments.  I just love him so much for just wanting to hang with me at all.  Even through my skull-is -thicker-than-pea-soup seasons.

Bunk beds and Big Boys

We had been talking about getting bunk beds for the boys for a while now.  We thought they may have fun sharing a room for a bit.  Plus, that would allow us to take back our living room!!!  All toys up in Ty's old bedroom which would now be the new playroom.

I guess I envisioned us getting the bunk beds and B sleeping in there for a while and then maybe moving Ty at a later date.  Like when he's 16 or so?

This mama was not ready.  This mama figured that out way too late.  This mama is closing Ty's old room door so I don't have to see that empty toddler bed and the glider rocker I am no longer going to use to rock my baby.

No turning back now!  Ty loves his bottom bunk.  He has slept there for two nights and both boys seem to really like it.  I just can't believe that rocking my baby and Fwog while reading a book and snuggling in my B's bed with him while saying prayers is all over.  Ugh.

The bunk bed story, on the other hand, is pretty good.  We went to a place that was going out of business, a good 40 minutes from our house.  We were planning on just getting the bunk beds if they had something we liked.  Well, these came with two new mattresses!  And I talked them down $50 (master negotiator - heh heh)!  But we had the Tahoe and both kids with carseats.  How were we going to fit all of this furniture??? 

We put B up front in his booster and I moved the seat all the way back, being scared of the airbags, all the while B is chanting "this is illegal!  this is illegal!" which it is NOT.

We were then able to put down 1/2 of the back seat and get everything in there.  We had about 6 inches of clearance between the mattress and the truck ceiling.  But we were out of seats.  Since the warehouse guy wasn't very excited about me hanging with him for the day, and sitting on the middle console was a sure way to get a ticket, I laid belly-down on top of the mattresses and rode home like I was being pulled behind a boat on a tube!  It was so funny.  At one point I did flip over, but it felt too much like I was in an MRI (that they had to pull me out of in the middle of the procedure due to me freaking out), so I yelled out for more air and then closed my eyes the rest of the way.  My face was about 2 inches from the ceiling.

Well, we got it all home and J put everything together that afternoon.  My big boys were snug in their beds that very night.  Yikes.  Someone push a pause button, they are growing up too fast!!!

The soon-to-be-playroom is making me a little anxious with random toy boxes in the middle of the floor and no Ty in it, but we will fix that up little by little.

 

Oh, my boys.

New Year - God's Got Me

So I was reading one of the blogs I follow this morning and the gal on there made a New Years Resolution to not buy any clothing, jewelry or accessories for herself for one whole year.  She is a shopaholic, like myself, so crazy tough resolution.  Her reasoning was that she got convicted while doing Angel Tree this year about how thankful these little kids will be for any clothing, toys or jewelry they will receive when she has a full closet of stuff she hardly wears.  It was very thought provoking for me.  Her theme verses are the following:

Matthew 6:19-21

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Luke 12:15

And he said to them, “Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.”

I started feeling pretty pitiful that I have done so much shopping for myself lately when others have so little and we could be trying harder to pay off the house or start college funds, saving for the car we will eventually need etc. Or just be able to give more. I also started feeling awful because I don't believe I could even make it through my birthday.

But what if I could? I wonder what God could show me? I have felt so unappreciative lately and have felt stressed out about clothing and everything else.  And Justin's comment about me falling into peer pressure at 33 years old hit home too.  If I'm not confident in myself at 33, when, pray tell is it going to hit?  I was reasoning myself into buying "stuff" because I wanted to make an effort to look cute and not fall into the sweatpants tennis shoes habit.

You know "60% of marriages end in sweatpants." And while I do want to look attractive and feel good about myself, I think I've proven to myself that buying more "stuff" is not the ticket, and finding God's will and working on that IS.

I'm almost afraid to say I will try this through my birthday because I fear failure right now most of all.  I'm struggling so much with self worth at the moment that I almost don't want to set any long term goals (like more than just getting through today) because I fear stepping out of God's will and falling flat on my face (see exhibit A - all the church commitments I threw myself into to please others and am now having to untangle myself and deal with the guilt of disappointing or exhibit B - trying to keep up with a blog to make myself look like a fun mom -again pride and pleasing others-, and realizing I'm looking at everything we do as "will this make a good blogpost?" and now not being able to bring myself to even log in, or exhibit c - running a race that takes up too much family time, to prove some kind of competitive point and losing the joy of just running).

But I think I would like to see if I can do it through my birthday.  The only caveat would be if my underclothing gets threadbare and I would need to replace it.  Otherwise, I really have enough clothing to last the rest of this season.  Anything else I buy would just be extra "stuff."  I don't usually make resolutions, but I am working on simplifying life and this would help.

I'm just writing this to share.  I don't want to make a huge deal of it, since I just don't think I can stand disappointing one more person at the moment and if I fail... But as Coach Taylor says, "character is in the trying."

Love,

Me

What was I thinking?

I am a private person.  I like having a few very close friends.  Although I'm friendly by nature, I don't like to "put myself out there" to a ton of folks.  So what the heck was I thinking trying to create this blog?

This has been a very tough season of life for me.  The last few months.  It has felt like a constant struggle against a force.  Like Jacob wrestling God, I am exhausted and limping away.  I have thrown myself into a lot of things trying to be a savior to others.  Taking the Glory away from God.  Trying to fill a schedule to make our lives seem better. Trying to be witty in public to make my relationships seem better.  Trying to fill a closet to make me seem better.  What was I thinking?  Trying to do.  Too.  Much.

It was only a matter of time.  I'll just say it.  Depression.  I have an ongoing fight with Depression.  Me.  Sunshine.  Positive Paige.  Glass half full gal.  But when I set myself up like this, it is inevitable that I will get sucked in the darkness. 

A devotion I read recently stated:

"Depression seems to overwhelm with a vicious suddenness when it is actually the result of a malignant and constant process.  Inner resources are slowly depleted until one day there is nothing left.  The world caves in and darkness reigns."

Oh man.

The same devotion stated some very common triggers for Depression that sounded right up my alley:

"The first step was to recognize the factors that can trigger depression; a lack of replenishing relationships, various chemical imbalances, and a poor self-image, just to name a few."

My trigger almost always starts with exhaustion.  I'm talking the kind of exhaustion that leaves me sobbing on the bed, unable to get dressed for work, while my poor husband looks on helplessly, taken completely by surprise.  I had even fooled him.  But the constant state of "fight or flight" that I had been in since the summer had taken its toll.  I was completely depleted internally.  Done.

After crunching numbers for hours one evening, we came to the conclusion that I could not quit my full-time job at this time.  I was staying put.  My little fit was fruitless.  I cannot tell you the feeling of defeat and hopelessness I have felt over the last few weeks.  There will be no escape from this schedule.  No additional time at home with boys.  No pulling Ty from daycare.  No additional time for house chores.  So I am forced to look up, throw my hands up and yell HELP!

Why, oh why, do I let it get to this point?  Why can't I look to God first?  The wonderful thing about the dark is the light is so very evident.  I can see exactly where the light is coming from, while sitting in the pitch black darkness.  There is no mistake.

So here I am.  Logging into this blog for the first time since Thanksgiving and after hitting the bottom of the spiral I'd been riding for months.  Am I sharing this blog for the world to see?  To glorify myself?  To stress about what others think about me coming undone?  Not at this time.  This is writing for me and me alone.  For God and I to sort out some thoughts.  To document some kid stuff and family things and not caring if it looks like we are a fun family.  I cannot care about that any longer. 

Right now its about me and God getting better acquainted and cutting back on "things" I am responsible for.  To create whitespace in my planner.  To put away the planner altogether at times and pick up His word instead. 

The things I believe he wants me to work on are:

1)  To have a total dependent relationship with Him

2)  To spend real time with my family - not necessarily doing "stuff"

3)  To take care of my physical body, His temple, through rest, good nutrition and exercise

This is about all I'm capable of at the moment.  I have cut back on a ton of ministries.  I will continue my commitment to the Puggles program on Wed nights.  Its not overwhelming.  But that will be my limit for now.  And I'm not sure if God wants me to continue teaching that class in the future.  I will have to pray on that a lot.

I have switched Thurs night dinners at Moms house to Saturday nights.  That will hopefully open some time during the week when homework and bedtimes are so important.

I have accepted that I may not have the energy/time to cook meals at home every single night and am looking for healthy alternatives for when I am overwhelmed.

I will strive to be thankful for the time with my family He has provided.  Right now, I need to be obedient to God and my husband and work this full-time job.  I will strive to accept that this is a step in my journey, but not necessarily a life-long sentence.

I will strive to keep my joy in the beauty He shows me everyday.  I will be thankful for the time He has given me to run at lunch in solitude that frees me up on the weekends to just hang out with my family.  I will not get caught up in the weekend warrior groups.

I will use the stress factor God provides as a filter for activities.  If something makes me feel that tight, creeping, shortness-of-breath feeling, I'm nixing it for now.

I will cut as many activities (even fun things) as possible on the weekends so we can have ample downtime.  I will take a day off here and there to stay at home and sleep if I need to and just to be still.  I will take time on Sunday afternoons to rest.

I will question my motives for everything we do.  Is pride at work here?  Am I trying to be anyone's savior?  Am I taking away God's glory by trying to step in where He needs to be instead?  Am I just doing this to look good to others or is this truly something God wants for me?  Just because I CAN does not mean I SHOULD.

I desire to be what God wants me to be.  Whatever that looks like.  I am a clean slate today.  I want nothing written on it except for what He tells me to write.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."  Eph 3:20

I can't wait to see the miracles He is planning for 2013.