What was I thinking?

I am a private person.  I like having a few very close friends.  Although I'm friendly by nature, I don't like to "put myself out there" to a ton of folks.  So what the heck was I thinking trying to create this blog?

This has been a very tough season of life for me.  The last few months.  It has felt like a constant struggle against a force.  Like Jacob wrestling God, I am exhausted and limping away.  I have thrown myself into a lot of things trying to be a savior to others.  Taking the Glory away from God.  Trying to fill a schedule to make our lives seem better. Trying to be witty in public to make my relationships seem better.  Trying to fill a closet to make me seem better.  What was I thinking?  Trying to do.  Too.  Much.

It was only a matter of time.  I'll just say it.  Depression.  I have an ongoing fight with Depression.  Me.  Sunshine.  Positive Paige.  Glass half full gal.  But when I set myself up like this, it is inevitable that I will get sucked in the darkness. 

A devotion I read recently stated:

"Depression seems to overwhelm with a vicious suddenness when it is actually the result of a malignant and constant process.  Inner resources are slowly depleted until one day there is nothing left.  The world caves in and darkness reigns."

Oh man.

The same devotion stated some very common triggers for Depression that sounded right up my alley:

"The first step was to recognize the factors that can trigger depression; a lack of replenishing relationships, various chemical imbalances, and a poor self-image, just to name a few."

My trigger almost always starts with exhaustion.  I'm talking the kind of exhaustion that leaves me sobbing on the bed, unable to get dressed for work, while my poor husband looks on helplessly, taken completely by surprise.  I had even fooled him.  But the constant state of "fight or flight" that I had been in since the summer had taken its toll.  I was completely depleted internally.  Done.

After crunching numbers for hours one evening, we came to the conclusion that I could not quit my full-time job at this time.  I was staying put.  My little fit was fruitless.  I cannot tell you the feeling of defeat and hopelessness I have felt over the last few weeks.  There will be no escape from this schedule.  No additional time at home with boys.  No pulling Ty from daycare.  No additional time for house chores.  So I am forced to look up, throw my hands up and yell HELP!

Why, oh why, do I let it get to this point?  Why can't I look to God first?  The wonderful thing about the dark is the light is so very evident.  I can see exactly where the light is coming from, while sitting in the pitch black darkness.  There is no mistake.

So here I am.  Logging into this blog for the first time since Thanksgiving and after hitting the bottom of the spiral I'd been riding for months.  Am I sharing this blog for the world to see?  To glorify myself?  To stress about what others think about me coming undone?  Not at this time.  This is writing for me and me alone.  For God and I to sort out some thoughts.  To document some kid stuff and family things and not caring if it looks like we are a fun family.  I cannot care about that any longer. 

Right now its about me and God getting better acquainted and cutting back on "things" I am responsible for.  To create whitespace in my planner.  To put away the planner altogether at times and pick up His word instead. 

The things I believe he wants me to work on are:

1)  To have a total dependent relationship with Him

2)  To spend real time with my family - not necessarily doing "stuff"

3)  To take care of my physical body, His temple, through rest, good nutrition and exercise

This is about all I'm capable of at the moment.  I have cut back on a ton of ministries.  I will continue my commitment to the Puggles program on Wed nights.  Its not overwhelming.  But that will be my limit for now.  And I'm not sure if God wants me to continue teaching that class in the future.  I will have to pray on that a lot.

I have switched Thurs night dinners at Moms house to Saturday nights.  That will hopefully open some time during the week when homework and bedtimes are so important.

I have accepted that I may not have the energy/time to cook meals at home every single night and am looking for healthy alternatives for when I am overwhelmed.

I will strive to be thankful for the time with my family He has provided.  Right now, I need to be obedient to God and my husband and work this full-time job.  I will strive to accept that this is a step in my journey, but not necessarily a life-long sentence.

I will strive to keep my joy in the beauty He shows me everyday.  I will be thankful for the time He has given me to run at lunch in solitude that frees me up on the weekends to just hang out with my family.  I will not get caught up in the weekend warrior groups.

I will use the stress factor God provides as a filter for activities.  If something makes me feel that tight, creeping, shortness-of-breath feeling, I'm nixing it for now.

I will cut as many activities (even fun things) as possible on the weekends so we can have ample downtime.  I will take a day off here and there to stay at home and sleep if I need to and just to be still.  I will take time on Sunday afternoons to rest.

I will question my motives for everything we do.  Is pride at work here?  Am I trying to be anyone's savior?  Am I taking away God's glory by trying to step in where He needs to be instead?  Am I just doing this to look good to others or is this truly something God wants for me?  Just because I CAN does not mean I SHOULD.

I desire to be what God wants me to be.  Whatever that looks like.  I am a clean slate today.  I want nothing written on it except for what He tells me to write.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."  Eph 3:20

I can't wait to see the miracles He is planning for 2013.