Social media is a slippery slope for me. I don't know why. Lots and lots of people use Facebook and Instagram and are just as healthy and normal as can be. But not me. And its a little tough for me to not participate. I'm sure I'm missing out on pictures of my niece and nephews, daily news on family members and friends, keeping up with bootcamp friends, local events and news. So what's my problem? Why can't I just sign up like normal people and leverage it for the good of my relationships?
Ugh. I have some very ugly tendencies. I don't like to share them. And I definitely have to ask God daily to give me the strength to fight them. I have a tendency to compare myself to others. And get competitive. I have a tendency to edit myself around others so they only see the me I want them to see. Chew on that one for a minute. As much as my heart wants to be real, to be authentic, social media tempts me to create the persona I wish I was and only post that. Who do I want others to believe I am? While listening to a podcast on this very topic this morning, I remembered who that person was. It was "Fun Mom." I want to be the fun mom. And I want others to see me as the fun mom. So a few years ago I was very involved in keeping up that fun mom character on Facebook, Instagram and even my little family blog that I go back and forth between wanting to write and not wanting anyone to read.
Fun Mom builds forts in the living room and the kids love it and play in all day, not asking to watch TV or play video games. Fun Mom makes a game out of cleaning it all up and the kids are laughing and smiling while they help fold sheets and put away pillows. Fun Mom involves her kids in cooking and makes sure there is something yummy baking in the oven on the weekends. Fun Mom finds cool adventures to go on that the whole family loves and everyone has a great time and makes wonderful memories. Fun Mom spends a ton of time talking and laughing with her husband and makes time for creative date nights. Fun Mom has craft time with her kids and daily devotions. Fun Mom makes use of teachable moments. Fun Mom snuggles with her sick kids when a fever keeps them home.
Who is this chick? I think she makes a great blog post. She has cool and meaningful quips on Facebook and always takes great selfies for Instagram. The problem comes when my name is associated anywhere close to this Fun Mom. I AM NOT HER. And trying to portray her is flat out exhausting and completely fake. And I don't want to be fake. Ever. Jesus created me to be authentic and that's what I want more than posting pictures of cupcakes and blanket forts with strung Christmas lights.
So what's real? Real is the fact that the few times I've build a fort with the kids, there is probably one or two times they actually wanted to play in it. The other times they thought it was cool for about 5 minutes and then wanted to watch TV or play video games. Real is the bazillion adventures I have planned that turned out awful due to the donut shop being closed, the hike being way longer than expected and having to carry the kids most of the way while they complained and our blood pressure rose to dangerous levels, leaving the carefully packed healthy picnic lunch on the kitchen counter and having to stop at a gas station and spend a fourth of my grocery budget on Nabs and chips. Real is struggling with where I am in life and feeling like I'm in the wrong place 90% of the time, but also trusting that where my physical body sits each hour of the day has nothing to do with where my heart is pointing, and that's to Jesus and learning how to be a disciple of his. Real is not wanting to deal with teachable moments; that an early bedtime seems less tiring. Real is not being able to afford a night out since between the dogs and kids, the medical bills have reached over $400 this month and insurance is going to drop us come December. Real is behavior problems to deal with, dirty germ-filled laundry, getting bruised and battered from trying to change sheets on bunk-beds, spraying Lysol all over the house and dealing with strep throat, strep NOSE, and blood all over the carpet from the dog loosing his nail. That's a real sick day. The only snuggling that day was when I dropped the freshly dried clothing on the floor and fell on top of it. It felt wonderful.
But real is also thanking God that we only have what hubs calls "First World" problems. No one in my house is starving, everyone has shelter and clothing. I really do love my life. In the midst of medical bills, strep and laundry, I have a hubs who is truly my partner and best friend and we can find something to laugh about or some podcast to get fired up with. My kids have great personalities and the four of us love each other. God has blessed me with so much and I strive to be thankful for it every day, even with blood all over the carpet. Some days I don't have a very thankful heart. And I need to ask for forgiveness and count my blessings. God can handle it. He knows me. He created me. He knows my heart is for him and longs for his presence.
So me and social media ain't friends right now. I don't want to pretend and allow others to believe Fun Mom is me. I want the people in my life to know me. Authentic, real, imperfect, impatient me who wonders why on earth God trusted me with these little boys whom I have no idea how to raise into Godly men.
I'm so thankful for Jesus who truly sees me. I can just lay it all out there, ugly and all and he still loves me and wants to hang out with me. Whew. Other people will either like me or not, but Jesus is the only one who voluntarily died for me. My loyalty and love will stick with him. And I'm really thankful that he will fill in all the gaps I leave gaping open with my hubs and kids. Cause this is real life. I can't just scroll through the posts I don't like. I can't delete an unflattering picture or comment. Once its out there, I have to own it and ask for forgiveness and mercy.
So yes, I'm sure I miss out on a lot by not being a part of Facebook and Instagram. But I'm obviously not mature enough to handle it all. My world may be small, but I want so badly for it to be authentic. For the few people I do life with to truly know me. Not the me I'd rather people see.
