Pity to Purpose

I realized something this morning.  God has been whispering this into my heart.  He is really showing me some things through this current season of darkness.  My darkness does not come from a lost loved one, or a family tragedy.  My darkness comes from the unknown and an unsettled feeling.  And dealing with some sin in my life.  You see, I thought I had been doing pretty well.  I take my family to church.  I cook meals for others in need.  I encourage my ministry leaders.  I pray.  I'm a nice person.

When my boys are fussing and fighting, I often holler "be nice!"  But don't I mean more than that?  As followers of Jesus, aren't we called to be more than "nice?" 

Leviticus 20:26 says,

You are to be holy to me because I, the Lord, am holy, and I have set you apart from the nations to be my own.

Really I should be calling out to my boys, "be holy!"  And I may just try that the next time and watch the confused looks come across their precious, sometimes food encrusted faces.

But we know what holy is.  Its not just about being nice.  Its an attitude of the heart.  Being nice, may include saying nice things, having nice actions, but all is for nothing without the heart having the right motivation. 

So God is using this dark season to show me just how unholy I am.  Its tough.  I feel like I am looking at the backside of a tapestry and all I see are the hundreds and thousands of threads jumbled up in a big ole mess.  And I can't seem to find the steps to walk around to the front to see the picture.  Maybe I'm not meant to see the picture just yet.

One thing God has shown me is that even though I may not know what his will is for my life at this time, I can still be in the center of his will right at this moment. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says,

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

We can be in his will right now by rejoicing, praying and thanking him in all things.  What a relief for me!  Especially while so many other things are unknown!

Another thing God whispered to me today is, without my current struggle, I would have never known just how biblically malnourished I really was.  I knew some verses.  I read the Bible.  But with need comes a hunger for his word, for hope, that I have not experienced since my miscarriages 4 years ago.  And I love having my smart phone where I can store these verses he shows me and get to them so quickly.  With each whispered truth, my faith builds and I can better trust him with confidence that he is bigger than my worry!

The third thing God showed me today is that our pity can have purpose.  In Luke 17:11-19, Jesus walks up on 10 lepers who cry out to him,

"Jesus!  Master!  Have pity on us!"

Jesus then told them to go see the priests and they were cleansed.  But one of the lepers, he came back to the colony shouting praises to Jesus.  He wanted everyone to know what Jesus had done for him.  And because of that Jesus said to him,

"Rise and go; your faith has made you well."

His faith.  Made him well. 

If he never suffered his disease, would he ever have known he was sick?  Not physically, but spiritually sick?  Would he have ever experienced the hand of God?  The growth of faith that made him, not just cleansed, but well?

Now, I do not know what my purpose it yet.  But I sure do have a lot of pity at the moment.  I am crying out to my Jesus, my Master, have pity on me!  And I am looking forward to my faith making me well.  He can use Satan's attacks for good.  He can show glory though trials.  That's why we can thank him in all circumstances.

I can't wait to see what he is going to do in my life this year.  He is already throwing light onto dark places in my heart, and swiffering away cobwebs I couldn't see before.  Isn't it funny how artificial light from lamps, don't always show the cobwebs in the corners near the ceiling?  That's why my house looks so much cleaner at night!  But in the morning, when the natural sunlight comes streaming into all 8 windows of my downstairs, I can see those cobwebs so clearly! (as well the the 3 year old juice stain in the carpet)  Only God can turn on the sun and truly show what needs cleaning out.

I want, so badly, to turn pity into purpose.  And then I will come running back, shouting out praises to him. 

But until then.  While I sit in the dark, waiting on him.  I will continue to hunger for the word.  For truth.  Realizing its the only truth there is.  And try real hard to rejoice, pray and be thankful in all circumstances so I can know I am in the center of his will.  Hoping for the day my pity turns into purpose for him.

Hug from Heaven

I have to share with you an aha, hug from heaven kind of moment today.

So I was researching online some different treatment options for the blues/anxiety and coming across all kinds of opinions for supplements, activities, etc and then it hit me.

These are all opinions and recommendations from humans. And no human created every little particle of me.  My Creator did! So for some reason, right at that moment I remembered this book I used to have called "God's Promises for Every Day."  Its basically just a book of scripture put together in categories like "What to do when you feel ...", no human opinions or commentary.  I started wondering where I had put it and I happened to glance over at my work shelf and there is was!  I vaguely remember bringing it here some time ago?  I just felt God impressing on my heart to look at HIS word and not human words for any and all help.  I love when I just feel a big hug from above.  This is the one he highlighted for me today:

"Be humble under God's powerful hand so he will lift you up when the right time comes. Give all your worries to him, because he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

I looked up "humble" and it said "efface - to make inconspicuous.  " I really have felt God saying a big, resounding NO in participating in any ministries or activities that put me in a spotlight for now.  Also part of the definition was "modest - marked by simplicity" which my word for my life at the moment is SIMPLIFY.  Lastly the definition said "humbled - to curtail or destroy pride."  Ouch, but definitely yes, that is something we are working on, examining motivation for jumping into these said ministries and activities.

I'll be honest, the overwhelming guilt from leaving those blank spaces in the preschool schedule has made me less than excited about coming to church as well as making eye contact with Dana or even Pastor B.  Yikes.  But after I found that book of scripture today and meditated on the verse God pointed out to me during my lunch hour workout, I feel God telling me that there is no guilt in doing His will.  There is freedom from guilt if I'm doing what he is asking.  And if he is asking for me to "Be humble under God's powerful hand" right now, than there is no shame in that. 

So now its my choice whether to keep focusing and using guilt as an excuse to drudge my way through this "be still" time, or to humble myself with joy under his direction, guidance and protection while he finishes whatever he is doing in the background which will no doubt be "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Eph 3:20

Anyway, just wanted to share. Love the aha-God-does-care-and-is-working moments.  I just love him so much for just wanting to hang with me at all.  Even through my skull-is -thicker-than-pea-soup seasons.

Bunk beds and Big Boys

We had been talking about getting bunk beds for the boys for a while now.  We thought they may have fun sharing a room for a bit.  Plus, that would allow us to take back our living room!!!  All toys up in Ty's old bedroom which would now be the new playroom.

I guess I envisioned us getting the bunk beds and B sleeping in there for a while and then maybe moving Ty at a later date.  Like when he's 16 or so?

This mama was not ready.  This mama figured that out way too late.  This mama is closing Ty's old room door so I don't have to see that empty toddler bed and the glider rocker I am no longer going to use to rock my baby.

No turning back now!  Ty loves his bottom bunk.  He has slept there for two nights and both boys seem to really like it.  I just can't believe that rocking my baby and Fwog while reading a book and snuggling in my B's bed with him while saying prayers is all over.  Ugh.

The bunk bed story, on the other hand, is pretty good.  We went to a place that was going out of business, a good 40 minutes from our house.  We were planning on just getting the bunk beds if they had something we liked.  Well, these came with two new mattresses!  And I talked them down $50 (master negotiator - heh heh)!  But we had the Tahoe and both kids with carseats.  How were we going to fit all of this furniture??? 

We put B up front in his booster and I moved the seat all the way back, being scared of the airbags, all the while B is chanting "this is illegal!  this is illegal!" which it is NOT.

We were then able to put down 1/2 of the back seat and get everything in there.  We had about 6 inches of clearance between the mattress and the truck ceiling.  But we were out of seats.  Since the warehouse guy wasn't very excited about me hanging with him for the day, and sitting on the middle console was a sure way to get a ticket, I laid belly-down on top of the mattresses and rode home like I was being pulled behind a boat on a tube!  It was so funny.  At one point I did flip over, but it felt too much like I was in an MRI (that they had to pull me out of in the middle of the procedure due to me freaking out), so I yelled out for more air and then closed my eyes the rest of the way.  My face was about 2 inches from the ceiling.

Well, we got it all home and J put everything together that afternoon.  My big boys were snug in their beds that very night.  Yikes.  Someone push a pause button, they are growing up too fast!!!

The soon-to-be-playroom is making me a little anxious with random toy boxes in the middle of the floor and no Ty in it, but we will fix that up little by little.

 

Oh, my boys.